Helibrawl

Big lapse & mental state

Hello dear followers. This will be a strange update.

I’ve missed a lot of Tuesday update reports. As of late, I have been mentally ill and adrift.

I think I might be a depressed person. Not in a sad or moping way. I don’t want no sympathy, but I do feel some hopelessness when I find myself tired all the time, “sick” or unable to perform as I used to. I’ve been an agoraphobic/socially anxious since October 2013. It happened suddenly.

It’s like an ouroboros situation: I want to move out, visit places, meet people, help out, share my skills, maybe even live in another country; if not forever, to try for a while. But I can’t even take a bus without this dread transcending to the physical plane, messing me up, just feeding my yearning and deepening the frustration it provokes. I consciously want to escape my life routine; but doing so, involuntarily/unconsciously, feel exposed and cling to safe places (or people).

Even though I have rationalized the psychological “why” and even found an emotional positive side to learn from this, I still feel stuck, taking little and slow steps against a counter-current escalator. I’ve become a master of self-improvement techniques, which to some degree are useful but they don’t add up to what I used to be before. I find my even flawed but yet known past-self to be an unreachable ideal.

I’m not sad it’s just that I’m not performing as I used to, doubting I still can. Everything takes forever. I’m sorry for the delays, not just to you but to myself as well, as it seems that time passes and I have nothing to show for. With some effort and good luck I’ll sort this out and  be back to development in full power.

Thanks for reading and best wishes to you.

-Martín